A Valentine's Day Journey of Connection and Shared Experiences
Forty years of marriage is rare indeed.
My husband of thirty-nine years and I went through a rough patch last year. We experienced an attic fire in our home. It began in the chimney shaft upstairs and spread to the attic, sending smoke and soot throughout the entire house. Our smoke alarms worked properly, the security company alerted the fire department, and three fire trucks arrived within eight minutes. Twelve firefighters extinguished the fire by dousing the upstairs and attic with water and chipping away at burnt boards around the chimney shaft.
Next, the clean-up crew dried out the house, tore out attic insulation, removed sheetrock, ripped up carpet upstairs, and removed water-damaged hardwood floors downstairs. Each piece of fabric covered furniture and every pillow and mattress was carried away, all ruined by the smoke.
We moved into a tiny rental house in South Austin, fortunately covered by our insurance. My husband argued with the insurance company about restoration providers and services, and we waited for the City of Austin’s permits. Six months after the fire, the restoration finally began. My mistake was allowing my husband to manage everything having to do with the fire, while I did other things. We were both retired, and I thought that he needed something to do. The choice of a general contractor was his, the arguments with two insurance adjusters were his.
My husband created spread sheets describing every item in our home that needed replacement. He made phone calls galore. He documented everything in detailed emails. One day he had such intense fury and frustration towards one challenging insurance adjuster, that he journalled about his anger. He was proud to show me his three pages of written rage. (He had never tried journalling before and was surprised at how well it worked to release his intense feelings!)
While he oversaw everything fire related, I kept busy writing my blog, marketing my book, So Many Babies, speaking on podcasts and radio shows, posting on social media, exercising five or six days per week, and babysitting grandchildren. In my spare time I read great books hand-picked by my book club and perused parenting articles.
Here’s the important point: after the fire, we created separate lives doing nearly everything apart from one another and we grew apart. Yes, this can happen in a period as short as six months. Our living somewhere that was not our real “home” surely contributed to our disconnection.
Marriage is built not only on love, but also on connection and shared struggles. Our shared experiences in the past always provided the basis for empathy, compassion, and understanding of each other. Over the years, we have become each other’s best friend.
When our children were younger it was easy to share things. Someone always needed something – some extra attention, our presence outside of work, our personal support for problems that occurred. There was a dog bite to my toddler’s face, an adolescent eating disorder, and a (another) teenager from hell, just to name a few of our trials. We always managed our child rearing challenges together, and we grew closer as we struggled to get it right.
We bounced ideas off each other, and we asked each other for help. Sometimes we carved out time to be alone, to discuss the situation, to consider our alternatives, and decide on a plan together. We experienced many highs and lows in our marriage over the past forty years. This little house-fire-entity did not stop us from coming back together, because we are truly committed to our union.
We recently celebrated our fortieth wedding anniversary with a trip down the Danube River. It was a heavenly get-away, and on several occasions people we met asked us what our secret to a happy marriage was. I offered, “Communication,” and he said, “Forgiveness.”
Saying “I do” is the easy part. Negotiating life together with two jobs, three children, many pets, and two families (of origin) is the hard part. It takes work, love, and patience to keep a marriage strong. I always try to remember what Scott Peck wrote in The Road Less Traveled, “Love is a verb.”
On this Valentine’s Day, wherever you find yourself in your marriage or relationship – please know that it will require work, good communication, understanding, and forgiveness. Marriage is not for the faint of heart, nor is it for the uncommitted.
So, if you are married, please give yourself some grace. And remember to give some grace and forgiveness to your spouse or partner, too.
This is lovely Susan, thank you for sharing!