Gifted and strong - building resilience against bullies
No mother wants to hear that her child is being bullied. Of course, I thought it was somehow all my fault.
My son, David, was identified as gifted at an early age. As a four-year-old he was reading and showed interest in playing the piano. The Montessori preschool he attended allowed him free reign over subject matter and he delighted in learning there for several years. He was seven when we moved to a new city. Because the public schools were suboptimal, we chose to enroll him in the best private elementary school available. His transition from a Montessori preschool into a traditional elementary school was rocky but ultimately successful. Like any good mother, I arranged quite a few meetings with his teacher and the principal.
In first grade, his distractibility and inattention to certain subjects caused him some trouble transitioning to the traditional school classroom. I fretted when his teacher proposed that he had symptoms of ADHD. She grew increasingly impatient with him, so I had him evaluated. The psychologist pronounced him bright and impulsive but assured me that he did not have ADHD.
As David acclimated to a traditional school, he learned to control his odd social impulses, like pushing or poking other children in the eye inappropriately. Repeat testing found him to be gifted. By fourth grade he was bored with most of the work provided to him and was taking computers apart and reassembling them again alongside his new friend, Jack, and Mr. Bobo, their jovial computer teacher. David came home speaking of motherboards and other electronic pieces about which we were clueless. Computer fun occurred after school and in a summer school computer camp.
Then, at the end of the school year, his seasoned fourth grade teacher and the school’s consummate principal reported to us that he was ready for more demanding work than fifth grade would offer. They recommended that “he skip the fifth grade and go directly into sixth grade.” Their rationale was that he would encounter more challenging material there and that the experienced sixth-grade teacher would task him appropriately. (She didn’t.)
Of course, we had heard the axiom, do not allow your child to skip a grade. We agonized over the decision, and, against our better judgement, we took their advice. This became the wrong thing to do. As David progressed from fourth to sixth grade, he became a fish out of water. At eleven years of age, he was younger and less mature than the other twelve-year-old boys and instantly seemed a misfit.
Gifted children are commonly socially inept, and our son was no different. He tried to do his work and lay low. However, he began to be bullied at school. An active and outgoing skateboarding-kid named Drew was the class bully. His parents were undergoing a messy divorce, so he must have been a miserable child. Drew was downright mean, made fun of David, called him names. and took out his anger on our son. Moreover, his parents seemed unresponsive to the principal’s pleas to attempt to control their son. (The principal implored me not to speak directly with these parents - she would do that - and I begrudgingly followed her advice.)
David took it all in stride and did not complain much, but I was miserable. His buddy, Jack from computer class, was his only friend, however he acted like a friend only after school (when it was safe). The teachers and principal tried to work with the bully and his parents, but little changed throughout the year.
I was told that David sat alone at lunch, or he was joined by Richard, a cheerful teenager with Down syndrome. Some days, David came home and announced that Richard was his only friend. About all of this, I was heartbroken.
· Gifted children can be perceived as "different" by their peers because of their advanced cognitive abilities and interests. This perceived difference makes them stand out and, unfortunately, become targets for bullying.
· Gifted children tend to be more socially and emotionally sensitive, which means they may react more strongly to teasing or negative comments from peers. Bullies can pick up on this sensitivity and use it to their advantage.
· Gifted children sometimes struggle to find peers who share their interests and intellectual level. If they feel socially isolated or don't fit into their age group's norms, they may become more vulnerable to bullying.
· Gifted children, despite their advanced intellectual abilities, often struggle with social skills. Their advanced cognitive development does not necessarily translate into useful social and emotional skills. This makes it challenging for them to navigate school situations and protect themselves from bullies.
· Children who experience bullying may suffer from anxiety, depression, low self-esteem, and academic difficulties. Thankfully our son did not.
Throughout the sixth grade David seemed to take this all in-stride and happily went to school each day, rarely complaining as he adjusted to being a loner. I frequently asked him how things were going and encouraged him to talk when he felt alone.
He continued to play with computers after school and took up filming his sisters and their friends with our home movie camera. Altogether, the kids put on “The Okra Show,” dressed in costumes, and played out interviews with guests while David happily served as their cinematographer and director.
After sixth grade, David attended a summer “brain camp” at the University of Central Arkansas, in Conway. This university program permitted graduate students and their faculty to study the effects of gifted and talented curricula on children. David and other children lived in the dorms for two weeks, all the while supervised by college student mentors. They had great fun doing many exciting things, such as building and shooting off rockets.
Providing this opportunity for our gifted son to connect with like-minded peers and participate in this enrichment program surely reduced his sense of isolation. Afterwards, I felt relieved that he had connected with other bright, nerdy kids.
By seventh grade he was well adjusted and liked by many new friends at school. We relocated to Austin in the middle of his eighth-grade school year. Once in Austin, we held him back and enrolled him in seventh grade, so that he would again be grouped with similarly aged peers.
Fortunately, he adjusted to this new school environment without incident. He also became a Boy Scout that year, which contributed greatly to his growing into a bright, eager, and thoughtful young man (and later an Eagle Scout.)
So, my sad story has a happy ending. As the mother of a gifted child, I wanted to share my experience in trying to secure the best learning environment for my child. My best intentions inadvertently caused him some harm from being bullied. Today, he remembers that period causing him very little harm.
Dear Mothers, we just do the best we can. We try to make informed decisions about their education and which outside activities are best. We constantly talk with our child(ren) and encourage them along the way. Then we must trust that our child will blossom in his or her own way and in their own time, even learning to deal with bullies
.