Reinventing Midlife with Meaning

How to Process Midlife Transitions in a Healthy Way.

(This is part two, after last week’s post about the serious midlife changes that wrecked havoc on my life.)

Life transitions are inevitable and occur throughout various stages and aspects of our lives. As we move through different stages of life, we develop new identities, and our environments and social networks also undergo significant changes. Our life transitions can seem demanding, often onerous, because we female humans do not like change. Moreover, our transitions place necessary transformation front and center in our lives. This change is difficult since it requires our full awareness and participation, as well as our ability to adapt.

No one ever said that going through life’s stages is easy. Milestones and change can meddle with our psychological, physical, and financial well-being. Many of us can be left feeling overwhelmed and exhausted.

Changing jobs always seems like a daunting task. Beforehand, you may feel a sense of restlessness, dissatisfaction, or unease in your current situation. You may be unhappy where you are and, if you are lucky, can put your finger on your grievances – money, time, schedule, colleagues, working conditions, or all the above. You may find yourself questioning your goals, values, and priorities, and feeling a strong desire for change. And you may experience physical symptoms, such as changes in appetite, sleep patterns, or energy levels.

We change jobs for many reasons, knowing mostly what we do not like and hoping to find that job that will be a better fit for us. Yet, leaving one job for another can feel like stepping into the unknown, abandoning the comfort of routine for the uncertainty of change. The familiar faces, the rhythms and routines of our workplace, and the sense of belonging will fade (and feel like loss) as we adjust to our new environment.

Although a major job change might be helpful, it can also be harmful. If we know what we are getting into ahead of time, and if we have a thoughtful mentor or advisor, loyal friends, and a supportive partner or spouse – these things make the change easier. Listening to trusted friends, partners, and colleagues is paramount in importance during life’s greatest transitions, especially for our midlife challenges. Your mentor can guide you through this. If your spouse or partner is not onboard, you will struggle more. As our culture tends to equate a person’s identity with their vocation, when we go through a job or career change, we might literally feel bereft of identity and even begin to question our worth as a person.

Moving is recognized as a major life stressor. We might know this and push through a move as fast as we can. Every transition carries this potential, but moving is unique in that the physical act of cleaning out one’s house or apartment invites us to delve into the past. Moving is a surprisingly powerful time rich with opportunities for clearing out old emotional momentos and beginning a new phase of life. It can also be very sad to leave behind the people you love.

Buying your first house (or a bigger house) is a giant milestone in adulthood, after, of course, 1) getting married and 2) becoming a parent. It can be exciting and joyful as you plan to move into and decorate a new, or bigger space. Or it can be very sad if you do not want to move, and loss may be the most prevalent feeling. Moving demands that we let go of some of the old things and make way for the new.

Matrescence – becoming a mother - is a huge transition, no matter what your age. You may find some help in posts I wrote about this major life milestone previously - here and here.

Having a second or third child is a transition that many of us desire, and once it occurs, we look around for the reasons we ever wished for such an upheaval. As a mother of two you are outnumbered, especially if your spouse or partner is of little help. Of course the burdens lessen as the first few years proceed and the first child becomes less threatened, more independent, and even helpful. Two children are the perfect pair, unless like me, you look at your spouse and say, “They will only have each other, and they need another sibling.” My husband and I talked ourselves into a third child, and it has been bedlam ever since.

Divorce is the most challenging transition for most of us in midlife. Divorce signals a transition fraught with emotional upheaval. The dissolution of a marriage brings with it a cascade of emotions - loss, grief, anger, and sometimes relief. Since I have never been divorced, I cannot imagine the pain that is attributed to this process. Recently I read Maggie Smith’s memoir, “Maybe You Could Make this Place Beautiful,” about her divorce and recovery, and now I have a clear understanding of the struggle and suffering that she endured during this process. She kept her two children firmly grounded with her and underwent a metamorphosis into an independent, thoughtful, loving, and creative person married to herself.

Millions of women get divorced each year. However, our culture does not offer those of us in pain from a divorce anything to help us make sense of the chaos or to help us rebuild ourselves. Instead, our culture encourages us to focus on the practical aspects of separating personal belongings, dealing with financial matters, and signing legal documents. We often neglect to allow ourselves to acknowledge that our divorce may be grieved like a death. Even if the divorce is ultimately positive and for the good of all involved, it is still a death - the death of a marriage, the loss of a future together, and the complete disruption of a family, if children are involved.

Our midlife transition periods are often marked by uncertainty. When we're faced with a significant change, we often feel a loss of control, and this loss can be disorienting and anxiety-inducing. We may feel anxious about our situation and the possible choices that lie ahead. We may be unaware of what we really need to feel good about ourselves. This is the perfect opportunity to lean onto your support systems. A discussion with a trusted friend, mentor or advisor can help greatly. Finding the validation from a close colleague can be crucial prior to embarking on a big change. Does she agree that you need this change in direction? If so, it will help you to hear that from her.

Most of us want to understand our experiences as fully as possible. However, in navigating a transition period, we often don’t know what is going to happen next and that invites our fear, anxiety, and worry. It is okay to feel all the complex emotions during your transition periods. Despite their difficulties and challenges at the time, our life’s transitions have two things in common: our lives will never be the same, and we evolved.

Aging isn’t about endings; it’s about figuring out how to embrace our own unique self and capabilities. That happens through self-awareness and how we learn to process our life’s transitions and losses.

Every transition teaches us not only about our weaknesses, but also about our strengths, especially during midlife. In passing through each of life’s transitions, we are rewarded with learning so much about ourselves.

I urge you to take some time to pause and truly reflect on your situation and to consider what you really want. Remember that the pause is that space between the stimulus and the behavior. The pause is the place where we really grow. We pause so that we can give ourselves time - time to rest, time to relax, and time to quiet our negative self-talk.

Life’s transitions are inevitable, especially in our midlife years, when so much is shifting both personally and professionally. But remember, these changes, while challenging, also offer incredible opportunities for our growth and renewal. By understanding the challenges of transitions and adapting to the changes that come your way, you can navigate these periods with strength and purpose.