Taking the Pulse of Weary, Working Mothers
Good people, living their lives, caring for their children, and coping with the demands of work and home.
Last week I was privileged to speak to 247 professional women at the Hand to Hold Mental Health Conference. (Hand to Hold is a not-for-profit organization that trains NICU graduate parents to become peer counselors for other parents who have a child in the NICU.) Before I spoke about “Working Mother Burnout,” I created some polls to assess how the conference participants were faring. The attendees at this conference were nurses, nurse managers and directors of nursing, therapists of various kinds, psychologists, social workers, and counselors. I was stunned to discover that over half of these professional women (59%) indicated that they were burned out!
Most of the women (51%) indicated that their current situation of burnout was due to their job - or work-related stress. Some were burned out due to issues with their children (15%), and some attributed their burnout to financial difficulties (13%). A few attributed their burnout to issues relating to their marriage or partner (8%).
When these moms were queried about the ways in which they cared for themselves, only 23% indicated that exercise was their primary means of self-care. Twenty percent of these women used their friends as a support network of self-care. Some used meditation to control their stress (10%) and some responded that they practiced hobbies they found relaxing (16%). Sadly, nearly one fifth of these professional women reported that they current used NO methods of self-care!
Among contributors to working mother burnout are poor sleep habits, drinking excessive amounts of alcohol, a poor diet, lack of exercise, and an inadequate social support network. Like I did when I was working full-time, forty percent of the women who answered my poll regularly use alcohol to de-stress after a long workday. Like me, most of these working mothers (77%) reported eating junk food at work when they were stressed or tired. I routinely rewarded myself with a bag of Cheetos and a diet-Coke (for balance) when I was tired and working at the hospital.
In my presentation, I stressed what we know about the personal characteristics of women which make them more susceptible to burnout. These are individualities such as perfectionism, possessing high expectations of themselves, and a lack of self-compassion. For those women who serve as managers, their willingness to provide emotional support to others, to check in on their workers’ well-being, and their attempts to make their team members’ workloads manageable, all place them at a higher risk for burnout. When managers help team members navigate their work-life challenges – to decrease their workers’ risk for burnout - they themselves succumb more often to burnout.
We discussed how lack of an external social support structure and practicing very little self-care tend to increase the risk of burnout in working mothers. Women thrive on talking through their difficulties with child rearing, often telling one another stories about that most problematic child. Similarly, they share difficulties they are experiencing with their spouse or partner. Good relationships with work colleagues are crucial for women to feel supported in their workplaces. Uniformly, most women admit that the lack of leisure time or a lack of adequate “me time” is a huge culprit towards causing their burnout.
I was stumped when one nurse asked me for suggestions about how she could incorporate self-care into her schedule. She worked full-time as a NICU nursing supervisor on the night shift and was a single parent to four children, ages 6 through 14. I hardly knew how to answer her question. This full-time working mother sleeps 7 or 8 hours each day when her kids are in school, helps with homework, and prepares supper after they get home from school, before she leaves for work. When exactly does she make time for self-care? It seemed to me that only her days off provided any possible time for self-care, and that might occur only after running errands, meal planning, and grocery shopping. Who cleans her house and when? How does this working mother survive her situation long-term?
Motherly magazine conducts a biannual survey of mothers. In 2023, they surveyed nearly 5,000 women ages 18- 42, and found that a minority of women today (33%) live nearby their relatives. Only 8% live in multigenerational households which may provide for convenient unpaid child minding and babysitting. Motherly found that most working mothers (58%) are primarily responsible for the duties of running the household and caring for children. On balance, it is the mothers who schedule medical appointments, keep the family schedule, run errands, plan children’s activities, clean the house, plan and prepare meals, go grocery shopping, and coordinate childcare. Activities that are shared with a spouse or partner include, bedtime routines, children’s drop off and pick up, paying bills, children’s schoolwork, financial planning, and pet care. This recent survey found that most mothers would rather take a nap than have sex!
The cost of childcare today is a huge worry for most working mothers. Motherly’s survey found that in 2023, 52% of working mothers said that childcare costs have caused them to consider leaving the workforce. Sixty-seven percent of mothers today spend more than $1,000 per month on childcare. In addition to affordable childcare, among mothers’ greatest needs is flexible work scheduling.
Not surprisingly, nearly half (46%) of working mothers today are seeking mental health therapy for themselves, and this year, one in ten has obtained mental health therapy for a child. Issues surrounding the mental health of their family are working mothers’ biggest concerns. In addition, they are worried about finances and money, their marriage, and relationships. Twenty percent of today’s mothers admit to receiving occasional financial help from parents and family members.
All these fears and concerns present a hefty emotional burden that working mothers carry with them into the workplace. Working mothers are not at their best right now. They are tired, and worried - many already burned out - and trying to balance everything they must do, when that balance seems so very unattainable.